This was wonderful. The intentionally required is really something, my husband and I are also learning. (For reference, by our 4th wedding anniversary, we were halfway to expecting our third child. ha) So I felt myself internally nodding to so much of this.
Over time, I had gathered these types of questions others said they asked of their spouse, whether daily, weekly, quarterly, etc. I put them in a doc for future use. Turns out, drawing from it has been helpful, though we're still trying to figure out a rhythm. Many of these would just be good regular conversation questions, because we aren't going to more than a couple of these on a Sunday evening! I love the simplicity of your Sunday questions, because they really are a wide enough tent to foster that non-logistical connection.
(So perhaps I should reconfigure the list..... in any case, I need something to draw from in the chaos and this has been a start to some ideas, even if we don't have a good groove yet.)
I think it must take constant effort (even if it is just a small daily effort) to keep a marriage vibrant. It can seem easy from the outside but it’s the result of many small gestures of love/forgiveness, etc. A lifelong journey, right?
Did you and your husband both come to this mutual agreement of checking in? I’ve always enjoyed thought provoking questions, ones that yield a detailed answer vs. the common yes and no. I’ve made several attempts over the years to ask these exact questions because I want to give us both opportunities to share and grow. My husband hasn’t seemed open to it or brushes it off as being too busy or can’t think of an answer. He has a hurried disposition which I think is rooted in anxiety and unresolved inner conflict. So I guess his answer is accurate when he says he doesn’t know because being present enough to notice how he felt loved is difficult. Or it may open a door to more conflict creating division, rather than closeness. I’ve been too discouraged to suggest doing it again, don’t want to risk getting hurt again when I’m in a fragile already processing my birth but feel it’s even more important now than ever to check in because we are raising our first baby together. I’ve noticed challenges that were there before, whether it was in us as an individual or as a couple, are still there just amplified! I desire resolution so we don’t pass down dysfunctional patterns to our son and his future generations. I feel we are stuck and maybe need to work through some trauma before our nervous system can even handle a simple question like the ones above first. Does this make sense? I’m working all this out in real time even as I type.
Yes, your concerns make perfect sense. Perhaps reading a book together could be a good jumping off point for more intimate conversations? I’m currently reading the book “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks, and he talks about how asking “big questions” helps us grow closer to one another. Perhaps that could give you some ideas?
I think you’re right to want to resolve some of the challenges you’re noticing with the added complexity of having a child to raise. You might also ask an older more experienced friend or family member for their best advice on what to do in your situation since they know you far better than I do.
This was wonderful. The intentionally required is really something, my husband and I are also learning. (For reference, by our 4th wedding anniversary, we were halfway to expecting our third child. ha) So I felt myself internally nodding to so much of this.
Over time, I had gathered these types of questions others said they asked of their spouse, whether daily, weekly, quarterly, etc. I put them in a doc for future use. Turns out, drawing from it has been helpful, though we're still trying to figure out a rhythm. Many of these would just be good regular conversation questions, because we aren't going to more than a couple of these on a Sunday evening! I love the simplicity of your Sunday questions, because they really are a wide enough tent to foster that non-logistical connection.
(So perhaps I should reconfigure the list..... in any case, I need something to draw from in the chaos and this has been a start to some ideas, even if we don't have a good groove yet.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CLMJJrkffB78ViX1IKDOKVT8II4DEbcpBJitvaRs9Iw/edit?usp=sharing
I love those questions, Haley. Thank you for sharing! That reminds me that we have used these conversation cards (https://cultivatewhatmatters.com/products/cultivated-conversation-card-deck?_pos=1&_sid=4b1879438&_ss=r) for asking good questions when we’re together with some down time.
I think it must take constant effort (even if it is just a small daily effort) to keep a marriage vibrant. It can seem easy from the outside but it’s the result of many small gestures of love/forgiveness, etc. A lifelong journey, right?
This is lovely. Thank you for writing it.
Thank you for reading, Mike. Means a lot.
Thank you Shannon! That book sounds good too
Did you and your husband both come to this mutual agreement of checking in? I’ve always enjoyed thought provoking questions, ones that yield a detailed answer vs. the common yes and no. I’ve made several attempts over the years to ask these exact questions because I want to give us both opportunities to share and grow. My husband hasn’t seemed open to it or brushes it off as being too busy or can’t think of an answer. He has a hurried disposition which I think is rooted in anxiety and unresolved inner conflict. So I guess his answer is accurate when he says he doesn’t know because being present enough to notice how he felt loved is difficult. Or it may open a door to more conflict creating division, rather than closeness. I’ve been too discouraged to suggest doing it again, don’t want to risk getting hurt again when I’m in a fragile already processing my birth but feel it’s even more important now than ever to check in because we are raising our first baby together. I’ve noticed challenges that were there before, whether it was in us as an individual or as a couple, are still there just amplified! I desire resolution so we don’t pass down dysfunctional patterns to our son and his future generations. I feel we are stuck and maybe need to work through some trauma before our nervous system can even handle a simple question like the ones above first. Does this make sense? I’m working all this out in real time even as I type.
Yes, your concerns make perfect sense. Perhaps reading a book together could be a good jumping off point for more intimate conversations? I’m currently reading the book “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks, and he talks about how asking “big questions” helps us grow closer to one another. Perhaps that could give you some ideas?
I think you’re right to want to resolve some of the challenges you’re noticing with the added complexity of having a child to raise. You might also ask an older more experienced friend or family member for their best advice on what to do in your situation since they know you far better than I do.
I wish you the best in your journey!